......im confused....i truly am..ive been spending alot of time thinking abt this for the past few days...i admit that during the few days it happen, i was really very pessimistic..i wanted to give up...that's why i din do anything..but now..after i think about it..i realised there could have been a way to save our friendship..perhaps its too late now..

i went through all the good times i had..all the times i had charlena as the one who cared for me....she was the one who cared for me when i had gastrics in school..she was the one who tried to get me to fit into the school..im sorry to charlena for blaming you for not trying...i noe you have...i was just too pessimistic..i have always been the pessimistic one..always thinking of the worst..i thought that i could not make friends..i was so scared..i did not want to be the outcast, i wanted to be like i was in serangoon! like i was in pl..always with this grp of close knit friends..so when i could not find any during the first term...i became very downhearted..i was very scared..very lonely..until i realised i had still had you..but its too late now right...

i admit i am jealous when sarah goes with her friends..always with them and laughing together..i mean..that was us in primary school! but now it is her and her three other friends..i noe i should not be so jealous..but it just happens you noe..i mean you were also jealous when i always toked on the phone to you abt laura right..you even did not want to hear her name! how can you blame me for being jealous when i SEE it..i dunno..mebbe you were just not that sensitive to my feelings at that time..i dun blame you..i dunno im still confused..

that time, when i went out with my friends on the last day of school..i noe charlena was truly happy for me..to have found some friends..thank you. i have come to realise alot of things...that charlena was really a great friend to me..she was there when i needed her..she really was..or at least she tried her very best..she was my one of my best friends..i wanted to be there for her..but she keeps many things to herself..hardly telling me her problems..mebbe i was too untrustworthy??

i was not trying to act pitiful..i was really very disappointed..very hurt...i really tried to fit into cedar..i really did..you just din see it..i tried to act friendly in class..act farnie...but sometimes i just couldnt keep up with the pretence..sometimes i just broke down..i thank nisha and nazeehah for comforting me during those times..after i think abt it now..i realise that many ppl care for me..i was just too blinded by my pessimist..

when the whole 'thing' started..i admit i was really very angry..i mean i thought that as my best friends, they would help to defend me when lgf said that i was a 'nice' friend..was i really that bad a friend? was i really that bad that even my best friends did not want to help defend me? i admit i have not been myself this year..i have been too...sad..too..downhearted..i also dont noe why..i din realise until now..so i am also grateful to this whole issue..for opening my eyes..for seeing how i have become..i wasnt like this last year...so even tho charlena is not on talking terms with me now..i still want to tell her im really very grateful to her..if there was a chance..i hope to be given another chance..to return back to my normal self.

but there's this one thing that..i dunno..that she has changed..she became so vulgar..so...scary...she's a totally different person..she wasnt the one whom i knew..she became so vulgar..i dun like people to use vulgarities..so when she was like scolding my friends with those barbaric language..i was really quite angry..i mean..they are also my friends..she is also my friend..i really zuo you wei nan...so wad if serangoon is not such a good school..not all the students there are bad students..they dun usually scold vulgarities...so when she scolded vulgarities at them..she became..i mean in a way..lower than them..serangoon ppl also have their own pride and dignity..they have a heart that is the same as all of us..they are not much different and should not be looked down upon..i din like it when she or her friends started to bad mouth them..they were all my friends..moreover..my friends did nothing wrong..they only tried to stand up for me when charlena and sarah did not..they were the friends who went through this thing with me..i did not want them to be scolded for nothing..they did not deserve it..

..::i apologise to everyone..for not being myself lately..i promise to return back to me..but (im sorry for saying this) i think charlena also ought to apologise for being so vulgar to us..tho the serangoon ppl did tag hurtful remarks at her board..i noe that if she was not vulgar at them, they definitely would not do that..::..

charlena, things have turned out this baadly...i noe that mebbe you will get even more angry when you read this (if you ever do)but i really mean wad i say..both abt me and you..if you decide that we carn be friends anymore..i respect you..but i just wanna say thank you alot..and..i luff ya.