...how could they...how could they...these are the only words that can come up in my mind now...how could they?!?!

i thought they would understand. i thought they were the only ones who would understand how i felt at that time.........not only do they not understand...they blamed me!

issit my fault that my life is such a failure? issit my fault that my friends carn stand me? issit my fault that i just dun understand them? issit my fault everytime something happens?? well, to me it seems that way. everytime when we fight...why am i always the one who cries, who feels sad, who feels responsible?

apparently they think that they have 'matured' and have done the right thing....they can never understand how i feel. never. they will never know how i feel everytime i reach the school and open the door. they will never understand when i say i need a hug. they will never understand anything even after i tell them. they can only pity.i have never been truly happy ever since this year...it's all pretence. i always force myself to just bury everything underneath a smile. a laugh. sometimes i just break down. my classmates noe. they seen me cry many times in class. when i cannot pretend anymore.

why do we even make friends when in the end we noe that we have to suffer. that something bad will happen..that true friends are just an illusion. i once thought i found that point in them....i was wrong..i was so wrong..they turned out the utter opposite..ganging up together...just blame me. say it's 'my choice'. i have not even chosen! they just assumed. they say i am 'innocent' and 'led to the other side'...they talk about me like i was an item..something without feelings. if she thought about her feelings...why carn she think about mine too?? she says i am so stupid..that i let myself be led away..but she doesnt think that she herself had already been led away. ever since she came to cedar, she changed totally. she became so vulgar. she just spoke like a gangster. i had put up with it too much already. she just criticises ppl like no one's business. im sorry i have to say this. you say i have changed....changed for the worst..but how about you?! you have changed too..and its not for the better. its worst den any of my friends. you were once my best friends.....but you just assume and let a small matter reign over our yrs of best friends.....wad can i say...

there are no such things as 'true' and 'forever' there will always be an ending...but it always ends faster for me.

..always under that smile and oh-so-convincing laughter, a sad and crying face hides underneath...crying over and over again.......that's me.